David's Life, Loves and Loss

My story

 

A chain of unfortunate events resulted in me being forced to choose between taking a one month antipsychotic medication injection or go to a tribunal and risk not being released from a mental hospital for up to 6 months and be forcibly medicated throughout. I was desperate to get out and they insisted I was mad when I wasn't, I feel quite mad now though. I spent 3 weeks there showing perfect behaviour but they insisted I had to take the injection, I was released a week after the jab thinking I would come back to my happy healthy hardworking self. 

​

Instead I got back home and felt my brain fry. I have felt nonstop torture from antipsychotic induced disorders including anhedonia and apathy for months. I have no motivation to do anything except lay in bed. This is the true opposite of how I lived, there is nothing I can do but feel the torture of being lifeless everyday in bed. Music, food, creativity, talking, exercise, sunshine and everything enjoyable in life is not enjoyable anymore, I only feel agitation, restlessness, and constant regret. I am being reminded that this situation is too difficult for me to deal with nonstop and I am very much inclined to take my life in a peaceful painless way and end the suffering if I dont show recovery.

​

I would like to be remembered as a creative person that loved working on music, code and art, and loved his mother, girlfriend and friends. I made this site to share my life, loves, thoughts and passions. 

​

I don't want to die yet but I struggle to think how I can keep going while feeling the symptoms. My thoughts and emotions are now very hard to deal with, I feel I will never recover. I am grateful to have lived long enough to experience such an amazing world. I had a good life which I fully attribute to my mother being the best person I could be lucky to have had to call my mum. I love you more than you can imagine Mama, I am so sorry to be in this situation, I want you to live long and be proud and happy knowing you made me feel like the luckiest person alive throughout my life, Ya Tibia Lubyu!!!!!! 

​

Unfortunately the meaning of life for me now is being awake into the early hours of the morning in bed tense and agitated, and all I want to do is stay in bed until the physical and mental pain of inactivity sets in. My thoughts are extremely hard to process, my emotions are constantly all over the place, I have a strong sense of fatigue throughout the day, sleep is filled with constant nightmares, the nightmares and my reality feel identical, I have no escape. I always feel like throwing myself on the ground and staring into space while I'm outdoors doing something simple like food shopping, that is the meaning of apathy, it is nonstop  unbearable hell I cannot begin to describe.

​

Death seems to be the only way to free myself from the constant debilitating nightmare. It is so unimaginably hard that my life instantly became so unrecognisable and incomprehensibly difficult, and too disappointing to ponder my losses as a result of my inability to feel and function. 

​

I wish you reading this to have a happy healthy life, enjoy every moment as much as you can, I have felt ready and willing to see the other side too often, I know my time might soon be over. I have lived a lot and I'm grateful for the experiences I've had and shared with the people I had close to me, especially you Emma, thank you for your devotion and care I never imagined an angel like you could exist, my mum thinks the same about you, she said things about you I've never heard herself say about anyone. I've been so lucky to have been blessed with having the best mother and the best girlfriend in the world, this makes me feel so special.

​

I wish you a healthy happy long life, I love you all...